I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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