the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Randomize
