He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
