Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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