whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
