Please, let me fuck your mom
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
