My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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