I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
