I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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