How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
