I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
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Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
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I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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