i don't like sucking hair
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
