God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
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Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
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I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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