I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
