my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
