there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
