You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
