Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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