Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We are all done wearing pants today
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
