i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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