I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
