sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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