"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
