And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
