Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
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He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
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Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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