i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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