Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
