sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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