When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
