I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
