fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I puked a lego.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
