I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
