When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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