i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm just crazy horny about you
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
