So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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