do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
