my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
