Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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