Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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