my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
