At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
