haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
