Don't make out with my wife yet
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
