I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
there is puke in my bra ... again
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