Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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