If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
