it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
