oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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