Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
