I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
