dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
