I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
