This is not my ceiling
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
