Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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