haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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