my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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