he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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