so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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