We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
