my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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