Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
