I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
