Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
