you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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