Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
