So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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