I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Slut skills are useful in every country.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
