ya dads aren't the best wingmen
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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