Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
