After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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